I can’t believe I am here now. When there was a time in my life that I couldn’t see myself fitting in anywhere. One good September I sat there and reasoned with myself, there was no other way, I was going to do it. I was done with being unaccepted, criticized and blamed for everything; and even when the weather wasn’t favourable it was my fault that the gods didn’t make it rain.
I was done with life because no
one was ever going to love me, everyone saw everything that was wrong with my
nature. My inability to open up, my social withdrawals and just the simple fact
that I am not perfect and bipolar. And so, I did it, I decided to take my own
life, “it is time” I said. I prepared myself mentally and emotionally for my
exit in this world, I felt at peace in what I thought was my last moment. I
calmly contemplated as I laid my options on the table and weighed in on the
best way to do it. I could blast myself, but that would be messy and
traumatizing for whoever would find me and my relatives who weren’t going to be
able to identify me with a wasted face, I love my dad so much to crush him like
that. So I did it the cleanest way possible – it failed!
I spent the next few days
recovering and filled with regrets, I didn’t do it right, now I looked weak. It
was supposed to be a clean job! But there she was, beautiful with a heart of
gold, with so much love in her heart. I wouldn’t call her a friend just yet,
but she checked up on me, spoke to me for hours on end. The hours I would have
spent contemplating my next suicide she occupied with motivating conversations
and she didn’t even know what I was really going through.
In days to come I started to warm
up to her, opened up about the darkest parts of my soul, let her in on the
heavy pain I carry, the monster that takes over my mind, and the monsters I have
come across in my lifetime. We are from different worlds, but the same, so she
understood things I said and things I couldn’t say.
See, for the first time I came
across someone that gave me genuine love and didn’t judge me. Sometimes I’m a bitch
as I fluctuate between episodes, and it still wasn’t enough to push her away.
Slowly I started to adjust my thought process, to accommodate her, because a
loving person like her doesn’t deserve to always have to understand that this
is my nature. It hasn’t been a 100% turn about but the progress has amazed me,
made me feel that I am capable of compromise and maybe someday I may even be
able to accommodate people the same way I do with her.
She moved from being a stranger
to being a friend and eventually went on to graduate as family. This might not
mean much to someone reading this, but it means way more to me because I am
fully aware of the effort one has to put in just to be able to put up with me.
It means so much more to me, knowing that she saw something in me that didn’t
allow her to let me drown on my own. She would have gone away at the first sign
of me pushing people away but she didn’t, she would’ve gone off when I was
really mean because I couldn’t help it, and still she continues to fight by my
side.
There are times my mind feels
like it’s ready to shut down, and she comes through like a soldier not ready to
let the general go down in vain. She is my second in command, my dawg, my bro
and we boss the same. We are from different worlds so we operate from different
perspectives but get shit done cause we both the same. Yes, she has the same
hustle drive and passion as I do, and so we move swiftly.
I feel sorry for y’all without a
friend like Elizabeth.
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