BEFORE I self-destruct

Everyday I fight these demons, the voices inside get louder and I can't take it no more! You see a broken girl, but i'm just trynna piece her together. Too many people trying to live my life, too many voices trying to speak for me. Will you ever know the real me, the one that's in the back of it all thinking "what has become of me?". Will I just forever be another character residing in this body. I'm a troubled child that needs you to see the pain behind the smile. I'm a strong woman that needs you to understand the story behind these scars. I need you to know that i'm just trying to find the me that got lost along the way (Namataa), when the innocence was lost, when my life was endangered and I had to man up to survive through it. Why am I so hard on myself? Cos there is no room for the weak in this wicked world. I'm just trying to understand the life I was given and maybe I will figure out my purpose in it all. I cry from inside but them tears never fall, the kinda hurt I can't describe but the pain never shows. It's sad to know that you take a hard look at me but you'll never even begin to understand what goes on in this head. You sympathize with me, but you don't feel the burden I carry. I don't need your fucking sympathy, wipe that pity off your face.

Self-conflict, that's my day to day life as I battle myself. Call me Namataa or call me Bella, to you it's just the same...but truth is, what it is would come off as insane, cos you're just a regular mind with a one-sided vision, you don't see it this way! Conversation with self:
Namataa: Before you were, all I had was me, myself and L3, then you came along and you changed everything.
Bella: I changed you for the best, didn't I? I took you away from the streets and made you a better I. Locked L3 away and kept you outta trouble.

Namataa: but I miss L3, she was always the better me. Here I am, just trynna do me. I blame you Bella, you drove her away, she was always ready for anything, she had my back.
Bella: she didn't give a shit bout you or anything apart from her own shit, I did you a favor, now you can be the best human being you can be. With just you and me, we can do it without her, you don't need her, all you need is me.

Namataa: you care too much Bella, that'll lead to my downfall. We was doing just fine, all I need is L3. She got my back, my SoS.
Bella: I came n made you better, don't you see? You was always in the public eye for the wrong things, I keep you on check. L3 was in and outta trouble, she'd break your neck. I got your back, she don't care.

Namataa: where did I go wrong, and brought you out? Don't know if I want you here or want you to go back. What do you want? Take over my life? L3 is my everything, she run my life, I cant just abandon her, she need me now.
Bella: fuck L3 and err'body else, all you need is me.

Namataa: Shut up B, L3's trynna talk, I cant hear her.
Bella: You need me!

Namataa: Shut up, I cant hear me think.
Bella: I need you!!!

Namataa: Somebody gimme a gun so I shut this bitch.
Bella: We need each other...!!! You made me, but I was better at being you than you was so you gave me charge. People don't even remember you now, but I kept you alive, kept your legacy going...I gave you life! You're Bella Harris, act like it! Why you second guessing yourself?